Writing introductions is a bit tedious so....just take a look at my first post if you want to know more....
....and if you get curious about the name of this World or my posts, check out the second one.
- Created By Sailor Nevar
Shaken
Something's different...I don't really know why or how, but things are so much easier this winter. It might be that I'm used to it, or it might be that it 's actually warmer, but it's not bothering me nearly as much as it has in the past. It seems to be going by much faster too, but I think I know why that is...thanks to which I've lost my train of thought for this post...
...and no matter how many days go by it looks like I'm not getting it back either, might as well just let it go....I feel like I may be getting feverish again, or it may just be the usual kind of crazy that's making my mind jump all over the place...
...it might have been something about having fun...the phrase, "I am no longer interested in unhappiness," keeps jumping back out at me, but as if I've cast a spell on myself again I believe it less now than when I thought of it...
...had a nice grip on my life till you twisted my arm...
Blazing Souls
Sometimes I think about making a post......but then I just don't. I think it's b/c I feel like I only have one thing to say. Like, seriously, one sentence.
So, recently I've been thinking about being creative. Sure, I can draw. Lots of people can draw. So what? It doesn't mean they want to create things. I've always wanted to. It's one of those things that I somehow forgot is different about me. I forgot that most "regular" people don't sit around thinking about how they can make something, or what they're going to make next, or even that they might like to make something.
I like people who can create things. I forgot that too. Or rather I transformed that into "people I like are creative like me" by accident. Not all of them are. Not all of them are dissatisfied with just living. It's strange to me.
For the past 6 months or so my "twin" and I have been working on a DVD to be used in the elementary schools in our city. We had some help from the other people we work with, but it was all from my ideas & he did all of the computer editing. We finished and sent it out on Monday. We were super proud of ourselves. At the same time we decided to send out a quick survey. In order to see what else we could do to help people now that this project was finished.
I'm not going to do what I did back in 2005 again (my dear, dear myOtaku blog of that time is now long gone
) but, let's just say life's a bitch sometimes. Long story short, neither of us is going to be interested in helping people for a LOOOOONG time after today.
"...three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy..."
You knew it all along, right?
Right?
Yeah.
I did.
When did you go back to living for someone else's sake?
You promised you wouldn't.
Yeah.
I know.
You broke your promise.
Yeah.
I know.
What a waste.
"...The world you live in is a world in which only those who can find their own way ahead are allowed to survive..."
Let's Eat the World's End
Recently I've been feeling like my apartment is shaking. We had a really big earthquake a couple weeks ago, maybe you saw it on the news.......It happened at 5am so of course I promptly woke up and screamed like a Hollow was chasing me. Then I took a deep breath and screamed some more. And then I reached for the glass of water by my bed since it was kind of feeling like I had swallowed a razorblade after all that, and realized the water was no longer in the glass, but all over the table. Which meant that a lot of other things were probably all over the floor. And the noises which my sleep-stupidized mind took to be the plates of the earth grinding against each other had probably been my bookshelves shaking themselves away from the walls.
Yep.
Broken glass eeeeeeverywhere. And, even worse, broken Evangelion models. So much work putting those damn things together the first time....I didn't take any pictures, but there was also an interesting combination of vinegar & olive oil on my kitchen floor. I called up my dad in Florida to tell him, "hey this happened, don't freak out." and in the most un-dad-like moment of possibly his entire life he said to me, "well, just throw some lettuce down there Katy & you'll have a salad."
WTF?
So anyway, recently every time I lie down at night it feels like things are shaking. They might be for all I know. We did have quite a few aftershocks the same day & in the ones that followed. But now it's like I can't tell the difference between real shaking, drunk-induced shaking, imaginary-paranoid shaking, and 6th-floor-inevitable shaking. In fact, none of these things may be happening at all........
...I'm sick of shaking, never waking from the hell I achieve...
6/17 op. 2 Doesn't Smile Much Anymore
4/21 - "bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away"
Your mask is slipping, cracking in places you didn't realize were weakening in the first place. The bandages you'd smeared across the older cracks have started crumbling and eroding while your attention was was elsewhere, and now the light seeping through them burns far worse than the first time.
The effort it takes just to keep it on at all is becoming excruciating. The strength required to fool not only them, but yourself for so many consecutive hours is taking everything you've got left. But you must not let it go. Even if the chinks become larger, revealing a black eye here, a split lip there, the dissimilarities of your skin in too many obvious ways.
4/17 - "we'll waltz like an army, for the fear of our pain"
The way your mind races...really...the ideas, the possibilities...each dramatic thought a different turn leading to a new end in a new story. Death. Destruction. Panic and fear. It's all enticing.
4/15 - "gonna wake up strong"
...and when the realization comes you are glad, fervently glad, of your perfectly, flawless, impeccable memory. You don't want to remember these things - you didn't want to know them in the first place dammit (for once a thing is known it can never again be unknown...) but you do - you can't help it. And still you're glad, glad you can look at yourself and see someone else, glad you can look at the now and laugh at how easy it is, how goddamn easy it is compared to back then, laugh and keep going because there's really nothing they can inflict on you, nothing you can suffer that could compare to that time.
So your jaw loosens just a bit each day and you remember they can't hurt you if you don't let them.
4/20 - "and the clouds above moved closer, looking so dissatisfied"
It's amazing how you can be both insulted and flattered by something at the same time. Maybe it's a failure of confidence, or of true linguistic proficiency. Who the hell knows.
Sometimes, we are absolutely nowhere.
4/26 - "but I want you to come in closer, come in closer..."
4/17 - "we only wanna sing when we want to"
The loosening only lasts as long as you're distracted. It's entertaining to watch someone else fluster over things you know will be fine. Things you know don't matter. Things you don't care about.
4/24 - "what ever happened to the song, the soul, the me I used to know?"
...and when I awoke I found myself among the humans. There were others here too, I realized. Others of my kind, and our enemies too. It was obvious whenever I met them. I'll never forget the first time. That memory still terrifies me. I had known what I was for only a short time back then, and was just beginning to wonder about my comrades' fate. Had we lost? We must have, for why else would I be imprisoned here in this useless place?
4/21 - "my mind has lost direction, somehow"
....that child has never been able to state her feelings clearly....she has to walk around them for a while before the beginnings of a description can form. And even then, it's not one made of words the rest of us are likely to understand. It's all images and heat and tension and full and empty and
"Honest is easy. Fiction's where genius lies."
Broken Coda
- limitor capacity malfunction
- human contact overload
- system crash iminent
- backup data not found
- reboot failed
- reboot failed
- ____________________
my brain works like a computer....
End
