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Just Another Slap in the Face

Sun Nov 1, 2009, 2:44 PM

* Mood: Vengeful

"Grow up." I hate that phrase. I find it ironic that when i finally get to make a decision that can really affect my life, I can't choose between limitless options. I just can't. It's like throwing a toddler that just learned how to walk into a marathon. It's pathetic--I'M pathetic. I lack motivation to do anything, and I know I can do it. I'm just too fucking lazy. I'm letting an inferiority complex get the best of me, I actually start expecting other people to help, when in the end it all comes down to what I think, and what I think alone, and what I do about it. And what I think just doesn't seem to click with what I know is the right thing to do. I'm a stupid little teenager that knows what to do and chooses not to do it. And why? Just because I'm lazy. It doesn't interest me at all. And I don't want to think that I'm one of those "regular" kids, when I might truly be one. A mediocre stereotypical 16 year old girl. Gross.

I don't go for education. I go for the experience. Probably the only motivation for even graduating and going to college is so that I can experience it all. Yeah, I appreciate what I learned along the way--but it doesn't interest me. Nothing interests me. My grades suffer because I'm a selfish brat and when I do try my best it doesn't even show. Probably the only way I can get better at something is to compete--but what good will it do if that person doesn't know that we're competing?

The only respect I receive is when I draw something, and even then it lasts a maximum of maybe 10 minutes. Drawing. That's all I can do. No matter how much I improve, it's not something my parents will be proud of. My friends would just look at it, have a few comments, then forget about it in the next 5 minutes. It's just something to amuse myself with.

I need to turn my life around. I'll show you. Being lazy may be something I can fix. Just watch. Fuck you, Calvin. Never compare me and that kid.

Dammit DX

Fri Jul 24, 2009, 10:02 PM

* Mood: Guilty
* Listening to: "Saint Jimmy"-Green Day

I just realized today I only have 8 pages left in my "drawing pad" =( There's lots of stuff in here I didn't scan in or upload, which means when I actually get a day where I scan in my previous sketchbook, I'll have to scan in this one too...well, not bad--this one only has 50 sheets. I'll have to figure out what to use for a sketchbook now, since my fairy got the one I'm currently using. Meanwhile, I'll erase some stupid things so I have more usable pages.

Filipino moms are so bipolar--Mo, this is why I couldn't go with you to see Grease today =(--It's amazing how I give my mom all the information beforehand and halfway there she starts complaining about what she calmly agreed to earlier (x_x). I'm not allowed to ask her to go anywhere for a while either, especially the Playhouse.

I wish I could go out with friends and boyfriends and not have my parents become overprotective and anal about every little detail, especially after they agree to the plan. Only 1.5 more years, and I don't have to worry anymore =3 Then two months in Mo's place while I find a permanent place to stay. Maybe with my fairy, who knows. I told my brother a while ago that I'm moving out when I turned 18/graduate high school and that my dad acknowledged it, but then he made me feel guilty about it. He said "So you're just gonna leave Mom and Dad by themselves?" I really wanted to say "Well, you could stay with them, you're always ending up back at the house anyway", but I couldn't; that's too mean--and he would be pissed. I hate it when Judd's pissed, especially when it's at me and/or it's about something stupid, like asking him to do something he was supposed to do anyway...Does that make me a bad sister? I always wondered that. I love him to death and I wish he could just live a carefree life, but sometimes he acts more like a selfish spoiled brat than I do...at least I help around the place I live at. I told him to help me wash the dishes and he snapped back saying "I don't need to be told what to do by my little sister!" and shut me out of the room...it's HIS chore DX

Whoops, I'm complaining. Shut up, Jenni.

-KF