Please call me izioy =] i enjoy talking about anything and everything so post comments and i'll do my best to return the favor =].
I love many things and i'm pretty chatty... i'll speak about my life and the boredom that keeps me writing =]! enjoy my page thankyou 
OH >>> MY >>> GAHHH>>> wow
soooo it's been nearly 7 to 8 months since i've been able to use the otaku ... 
yeahhh i've been pretty upset over this for a really long while
there is soooooo much of my life i have not shared spoken about or anything !
and there are people that have been reading!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY
this makes me even more happy to know that my post are being read even when i'm not on
so lets see the reason for this sad absense of mine >>>>
anyway then after this terrible disaster and horrible experience i was only allowed on facebook and besides that i didnt have much of any time to actually go on the computer i was too busy !!!!!!!
with what you ask?
well here's the answer :
yes that was the beginning of the year then i went on to being the assistant director to the winter play and boy that toke up a whole lot a time that i didnt really expect it to take up but yeahhhh
so my lifes been filled with lots of drama and happiness + sadness as well as a good heartbreak and the realization that even though i've felt so passionately about many people in the past and have believed i was in love i've really never felt that way at all
its been complete infatuation ... what a complete waste of my life
INFATUATION ---> who the hell wants to deal with the imposter of love??? no one its even false pain
the truth is i have noooo idea when or where in the world i'll actually be able to find love
I completely believe in my heart and will follow every beat it gives me but my heart has not been able to completely take a grasp around the feeling of love
that one feeling i myself most desire but how can i truly desire something i dont have and then what if when i finally reach it i'm not really sure it'll live up to my expectation and then it'll be more of a disaster then imaginable that'll just leave me with a bittersweet happiness <--- eww bittersweet things are they worth while ??? ehhh blahhh
sooo i'll post more now that i've been able to get on to the otaku and i'll tell you of my new obsession .... JONGHYUN KIM <3
okay so its a little bit sad
because i cant think of anything i really feel like writing
well actually to be honest
the one thing i'd have to actually talk about would be about
my new family the one that i had visited in virginia a few weeks ago
and my already family which was my step brother and sister
who i spent the week with and who i miss because they only stayed for the week
ughh i dont even know what i want to say
i wish they could just stay here forever live with us
and just stay with us in our home rather then their moms
its not because i hate their mom or anything like that but
they're better off with us
and i dont know whats been up with me at all lately
i feel like such a female dog
i keep feeling like i'm acting so selfish and its so strange because i am in an unintentional way and its like i cant stop it yet everyone's hurt by it
so what in the world am i supposed to do? analyze everything i do i dont want to live like that because that isnt living its dying because you have to watch everything they do
ughh i feel so frustrtated inside
like my step-dad says that i'm trapped between becoming an adult and wanting to stay a child
I HATE THIS FEELING
simply because thats just it how are you supposed to pick theres no specific age where someone says "hey be an adult your done being a child"
and its like i never really was like a child, not for long at least
i had the 2 years where all i cared about was myself and no one else
then after that i woke up and was like this life isnt about me this is about everyone and everything that wasnt me! so then i stopped my stupid selfish actions
and now its like am i allowed to be a little selfish or what and i get lectured for anything i do thats selfish, no correction not anything EVERYTHING
the smallest thing the simplest things, accusing my brother of something he really is at fault for, for asking my step sister to get off the computer because i stayed home to be with them and they left me to go on the computer,
for being aggravated that everyone else was trying to take control of my project, for chosing to not finish watching a movie and wanting to go to bed early and having the kids leave my step-father who they're actually there to see(i didnt even notice i was doing that),
for everything i do i'm the worst person in the world now because i dont know what the hell to do at this point
i dont know what i'm supposed to do
i dont know what would help me and please everyone else
i dont know what would help my career start and what i'm going to do with my life
i dont know what i'm supposed to do
everyone thinks that its their job to control me but its not
its like i have no control over anything i do and when i take control i'm wrong
like everything i do is wrong
i guess it is because it hurts everyone else
i guess it is wrong because everyone else isnt pleased
i guess it is wrong because my idea of right is everyone else's idea of wrong
i guess everything i am is wrong so what the hell am i supposed to do
what the hell am i going to do to make everyone else pleased
if what i do affects everyone else then why dont they stop paying attention stop caring stop looking at my face and notice sadness or dislike
just stop and how would i affect something that never notices me? how would it affect something that didnt even know i existed?
they think i'm doing something selfish but i'm not they're making it out to be because they care, so they should just stop because i dont think about myself first off for most things so i hate being told it was selfish
this life isnt mine so i might as well not care, just stop, not do anything, maybe then everyone will be happy because its over its stupid i dont need to do anything when it hurts everyone
End
