Hey everyone
Wow its been a over a month or 2 since my last journal post not to mention a real life one. Well, since then a lot of stuff happened so this will be a extra bulky post for those who love reading my misadventures. XD
Honestly life have been very up and down for me, I can't even begin haha. My confidence have been like a roller coaster since every time I seem to go out the box and put myself out there SOMEONE has to be ragey. The first time was my mom when she saw the videos I made for my angel readings. Despite the fact I was saying some great positive stuff that I thoroughly enjoyed, my mom totally came at me tipsy and ruined my perfect day about it.
Me and Brandon was playing Eternal Sonata (an rpg) and my mom told me she had something important to tell me. I was right in the middle of a boss battle so I told her to hold on and my mom sat on the bed with us waiting for me to get off the game. I thought someone close in the family died or something because she never does that so I was really on edge. So when I got up and go to my mom's room all she wanted to talk about was the videos, I was super pissed. She didn't like the fact that people can see into the house, which I understood and told her I would delete the videos. Granted the backdrop of the videos is nothing spectacular in anyway nor is there any sensitive material or clues where people can see and find out where I live and kill the family. D:< Because that's all my mom sees and hears from the tiny bit of video that my sister showed her. (my sister had nothing to do with my mom being upset about it btw)
Like I said before my mom was tipsy and I HATE being around my mom when she's like that so I told her I would delete the videos and I try to leave out the room. Then my sister and mom was having a bitch fit over me "not listening" and whatever. I totally heard my mom and her concerns, I wanted to end this conversation before I totally go off on my mom for the nth time. I have so much backed up resentment for my mom that it can kill an African elephant. I'm so very close to snapping/having a meltdown/call the fucking cops because I'm going to coke out my mother and burn down the house mode and my mom doesn't even realize it. The crap she put me through when she's drinking, being a complete dick and douche bag makes me want to live on the street just to get away from her, or do something extreme and spiteful so she can "see what the hell her drinking is causing".
Its mind boggling when I explain to her "I can't talk to you when your drunk" and she says "why?". I tell her why, more then likely yelling and cussing because I'm so fed up and she just doesn't get it. Its like I'm talking to a fucking wall which is the most frustrating thing to me in the world. I can't explain how infuriating it is for me to try to not freak out when she's up on me "talking" to me *read yelling or really loud talking*, then wants to know why I can't talk to her. Or I get really bitchy at her.
If I did "have a melt down" and hurt someone, either me, my mom, or just decide to say "fuck it all" and go ape shit in the house, and get thrown in jail, I would be in the wrong. For being so fucking patient (as much as I can since my fuse ran short with her) not trying to get in any arguments, not trying to have a yelling match, not calling her a bitch and whatever else I feel in the moment (which is totally out of my character you really have to piss me off to see that). But only in that moment I decide not to hold back and totally fuck up HER DAY man, I would love to see the line of events that would go down.
Life just gotten so (even more so) frustrating, that night I had to leave the house just to get away from her yelling and prevent myself form totally losing it. Never in a thousand years would I think my own mom (hell the whole family) would drive me border line crazy. Sometimes I feel trapped inside the house like I will never see anything different but the same bs that goes on. Still striving for better, still trying to find a way to move out without going to an insane asylum for it.
I try to be as positive as I can but its been hard or it doesn't stay around long enough. Or once it does some drama totally comes in and destroys it. Probably why I've been lacking in journals and art. My life is too chaotic even when things are calm. I'm thinking of a thousand things, worried about this or that. Even my sleep have suffered so I get no real vacation from it all besides movies and videos. Then its back to "real life".
If creativity wasn't as important as the blood in my veins I would get a job at (insert company) and just work my life away. At least that's how I be feeling these days. I have to work just to get the drive and passion to move forward, like there is something better out there. I say it so much to myself, be positive, that new house/apartment/life is coming but god damn I see the same mugs everyday and the same old shit that I now have hatred for.
Gosh I don't know why I decided to highlight all my short comings in this journal (one of many really). But I guess that's life for me right now. More shit to scoop then a hundred farms.
I was really debating not posting this because I sound really psychotic and simply a person that needs serious help. :| But I figure what the hell? Let me do something different, let me show a side I haven't shown in some time. Some raw feelings that maybe a lot of you out there are feeling right now like me. We all are not crazy for wanting better or wanting to leave the old behind but it gets hard when that light at the end of the tunnel never comes. I want to give up a lot along the way but I always find myself half assed back on track and starting again. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad about life sometimes, we are all human. The problem is "staying" in the negative space and not finding that bit of happiness. Those bits is what keeps me going, that little voice that says "keep going" or "it will get better" despite everything that's been happening. So take it from me, if you feel like going crazy because everything around you is just not supporting your personal growth, I feel you A LOT. :| Its sucks but its worth everything you got if you have a clear view of the future YOU want to have for yourself.
Next time hopefully things turn around for the better and I will have the good out weighing the bad. Thanks for reading guys, take care. :)
Okay, I'm the type of person that doesn't really take stock or indulge in "rallies" of any kind. I just like to think positive about the situation and not be apart of a big force trying to stop whatever negativity have caused the fraud in the first place. But this really turned my stomach when I read it.
I literally can't come up with anything to really say right now but I did said this when I rebloged the picture in tumblr.
" Dear person who wrote this: You obviously have no clue how the world "really works". Step out the box that society have put you in and take a good look at how beauty, wisdom, and grace comes in all shape and sizes."
The thing I'm trying to get at is that no one should be looked upon "less desirable" in any way because of their weight or any type of "flaw" that we perceive they have. We all done it (myself included) because we are not perfect, so I don't want to make anyone feel bad out there for that fact, but this is my aspiration for myself and the human race.
"Don't judge from how the skin fits the person, but how the heart fits one's personality"
Stop kicking each others asses because a person's nose is shaped a little different, or someone's hips are a little wider. There is no point in fighting over differences because we always are going to be different from everyone else in some way. Embrace it, love it, and celebrate it.
Stop taking stock in what society shows you as truth, its not. Write your own truth, go out there and see what your jaded beliefs are showing you and strive for a different outlook on life. Don't let one bad experience write the rest of your life. Everyone is different, there are people out there that do care and do have hearts as big as Texas, you just have to find them but most importantly OPEN YOUR HEART TO IT.
Its things like what was said in the "Disney confession" that really pisses me off and is the reason why so many of us are truly divided in this world not just as people but even in ourselves.
If we don't have what we think makes us beautiful, successful, talented or wanted, we brand ourselves as failures and non-contributors to our world. Everyone has something good to say and give to the world. We all are beautiful in our own right because beauty come in all forms, not just physical appearance. If you feel bad about yourself don't be because nothing in this world can truly take away your power and wisdom. You just have to tell yourself that you are beautiful, successful, and desirable in this world and you truly bring joy to others. And if someone has a problem with that or the way you look tell them to FUCK OFF and sort out their own issues.
I'm 5'4' and 150 pounds and I'm damn proud of how I look, what I'm doing, and what I'm striving for and personally, I would LOVE to see a fat, chubby, overweight, curvy, obese, and plump Disney princess. Show the next generation that there is nothing wrong with having dare I say "fat" on you.
And with that said I want to add that there is nothing wrong with taking care of ourselves even if that means losing weight. But saying an overweight Disney princess would make a bad role model is beyond ridiculous.
Love your body no matter how it looks or what anyone has to say about it and for god sakes don't judge a book by its cover.
The fucking end.
Hey all!
So the first week of the New Year has passed and a lot has happened mostly good, and a another reaffirmation that I need to move out. >:T
The thing I was most excited about is my Candy Sanctuary blog, how it got 5 new followers after I posted my "How I learned to follow my dreams"" article. Thank you everyone that read it and/or started following the blog, its very much appreciated! I'll be making more posts about following your dreams because its one of my favorite subjects and its fun to write about it. I also want to do my first tutorial about coloring paper/air dry clay. Its easy to do and really good for making sweets deco. Its something I can start making in the progress that will help people do their own deco projects, especially newbie's.
I posted some wips yesterday and I'm still working on them. I really want to get that really old contest prize for Chel the bell out the way since I procrastinated that picture for way too long. At the same time I'm glad that all the time have passed because I'm more creative and flexible with my art. I'm more willing to try new things so making this picture was fun. All I have to do now is color it and add a simple background. The Candy Sanctuary one I'm really enjoying doing because I'm trying a different coloring method. Its really fun and have that kids book/fairy tale look. I'll probably use that picture for some graphics for my blog.
Brandon's birthday is coming up on the 12th and I order his presents on Amazon! I won't say what because I don't want him to come here and find out. I actually ordered the stuff at his house (where he use to live not at his apartment) and I got so relaxed there that I decided to stay the night. Its really fun staying there because I can look at reality shows, get whatever snacks/food I want because of all the fast food places, play with his cat and little sister. His neighborhood got some many stores around that you can get whatever you need/want to buy/eat, something that my neighborhood seriously lacks. I can't wait for the day where I don't have to bother with this damn neighborhood and don't have to go out the way for the most simple of things.
Which contributes for my once again feelings of needing to get the hell out of this house. When Me and Brandon come home from his house my mom was playing super loud music and was drunk. It annoys me to no end because she's pretty much a retard when she drinks, I don't like being around her. So me and Brandon are just in my room for the sake of our sanity because the music is so loud. But my mom turns it up more and more and its just unnecessarily loud so I tell her to turn it down because I can hear it (Cleary) in my room upstairs. So she turns it down a bit and I go upstairs pretty much pissed off because I hate loud music in the first place. I don't like turning my music up to a certain point because its too much for my ears. So she turns it up again even louder and I go down stairs and yell at her to turn it down I can hear it in my room. She acts like she can't hear me so I pretty much turned it down and tell her I can hear it in my room plus I have company over. While I'm trying to tell her this she turns it up so I pretty much told her off, cuss at her and pretty much called her an ass-hole because pretty much when she drinks she's is inconsiderate ass-hole. When she don't drink its fine 100% I have no major complaints but WTF when she drinks (which is almost everyday after work) I don't want to be around her and her presence annoys me. So after I raged at her, I slammed my fist on the stereo system when I should of took all three pieces and slammed it on the ground. Because I had enough of it and just having to deal with it. I've been dealing with the same situation for years and I just want to be alone by myself and live by myself. I love my family but I'm sick of living here with people, in this house, in this neighborhood. The things I want to do with life doesn't fit this insane nonsense I have to deal with time and time again. Right when I start getting comfortable maybe considering that I don't need to move out, life throws me back on track on what my true goals should be.
Needless to say I was really upset and even cried because of the endless frustration of just me living here as a whole. I mean I would be popping depression pills if it wasn't for my art, computer, and the goals I have for myself. Its the only thing that keeps me sane because quite frankly, living here sucks donkey balls. I can go over a 10 pound list why it sucks here but I chose to throw on my rose colored glasses instead so I'm not in a constant rage or depression. Its been working for me and I'm going to continue doing it but it doesn't fix the fact that its time to leave here for good. I'm not sure how its going to come about but I'm so out of here when the time comes (I want it so bad to be now).
Oh yeah, that day after my mom told me that "we needed to talk". We never did had that talk thankfully but nothing could make me feel sorry or even compassionate about what happened. I'm done with this house and the shit I have to deal with being here.
Sorry for any of those that were offended my rant and calling my mom an ass-hole. I can't sugar coat these things, it is what it is... |:T
The last good thing that happened that Brandon's presents came in the mail and my brand new angel card reading kit. The card deck is so lovely and even gave my sister and my mom a reading. I really like this new venture I'm taking with these cards and they are always accurate with each reading. I want to livestream it and give practice readings for people soon.
Sorry for the abnormally long post, my rant really took up most of it. I'm feeling much better now so no worries! Thanks for reading and I'll see you soon!
Dear stupid artists on the Otaku,
If you MUST STEAL a picture off the internet just to get a shallow hard on from a bunch of inexperienced pre-teens, at least be smart about it.
DON’T GET A PICTURE THAT’S WAY BEYOND YOUR SKILL LEVEL. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH SHOUTING AT US MORE SEASONED ARTISTS THAT YOU STOLE IT.
P.S I just/will report your brainless ass even without a “proof url” maybe someone will delete the shit anyway. Because you know, you made it pretty obvious.
STFU GTFO LMAO,
Yours Truly
I feel better now. :)
Hey guys, time for a real update!
Since that last post I’ve been feeling much better, I hope I didn’t worry you guys too much. ;3; That was not my intention!
As of late I’ve been feeling a bit (or a whole lot) laid back from my latest endeavors like The Candy Sanctuary, trying to make a name for myself as an artist, and just trying to “make it” in the internet world. I will admit I enjoy doing it but at the same time it takes TONS of energy out of me, as well it stresses me out some. I just have this feeling that maybe I’m trying a bit too hard to get where I want to go and not doing enough “inside” to make it happen.
Everything always starts with you, so you got to maintain a happy and healthy mind set and stress can easily kill that. So I guess what I saying that I’m just (even more so haha) going with the flow. I feel like I need to chill out and let go. Along with this new mind set of mine I’ve been gaining more interest in the older activities I use to enjoy. It’s almost like a “close to home” kind of feeling with these hobbies XD… My favorite being Tokyo mew mew, I’ve been wanting for over a week to (re)write it, design characters, and spend a lot of time just making my entire fan stuff better. It’s just insane but it makes sense because I completely enjoy it and I’m not worrying if it’s going to make my internet “presence” better or anything. I just love it and that’s that matters!
So if you’re wondering why I haven’t been “active” lately that’s why. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving this place the boot. In fact out of all my art accounts (I got 4 I was trying to keep up with) I’m only actively visiting two, here and Fur affinity. Manga bullet and DA makes me feel so competitive and stressed to “to get my name out there” that I pretty much ran myself into the ground. It’s like no wonder I feel this way…<- That right there folks was my revelation just know “I am trying to hard” even when I vowed to “do my own thing at my own pace” I still was trying too hard, trying to squeeze myself out into the internet… I think I’m doing it wrong… <- 2nd revelation… There IS another way to get there but what I was doing wasn’t working for me thus BURN OUT…
Sheesh, I knew how I felt but I didn’t TRULY SEE THE REASON BEHIDE IT 100%. It’s good to write your thoughts down/post/blog you can really get behind your thoughts and even get insight! :D
In other news I notice the whole your art as TheO banner thing. At first I was like YAY! Then I was like “I don’t fucking care anymore” ( due to my laid back aura now LAWL)… If the art is going to be chosen like the feature thing then I REALLY DON’T CARE. It looks like fun no doubt but I don’t want to enter JUST to try to get my art up on the banner :... I’m just not in that mood haha, trying to get your art featured and stuff is a huge pain in the ass. Especially if you’re not in the general ratio of being featured… I’m probably taking the whole thing the wrong way but DON’T LIE YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE YOUR ART FEATURED AND STUFF TOO. And there is nothing wrong with that its just saying “I don’t like competing for the spot or online in general” XDDD
So that’s it, and before I go check out my friend Kelsey (angel zukaro) out she’s been feeling down lately and need some cheering up! :D Feel better Kelsey!
